Self-portraiture

My taking self-portraits seems to come up a lot these days. A lot. Why take them, when, how, and, most importantly, WHY, god, WHY?. Narcissism, superficiality, and my past were discussed. Several tears were shed. Laughter ensued. Needless to say, such conversations take me a bit by surprise as they make me think about stuff I've been doing for so long that, honest to god, no longer remember how and why it all got started. Every time I explain why I blog, I find myself in a similar situation. All the emotional turmoil aside, I enjoy talking about this stuff. Nothing better than a friendly poke in the ribs. Nothing worse than doing things just out of a routine. So...today, I will try to explain my strange fascination with self-portraits. Briefly.

1. I started taking self-portraits four years ago. The reason was quite simple. I got my SLR and had no idea what to do with it. I was too embarrassed to take it out in public before I knew how it worked so I started taking pictures in my room. As you can imagine, there's only so many pictures of your desk you can take. So...I found an object that could easily change shape and form and was easy to move around: me.

2. The reason why I wanted to own a nice camera to begin with, was that I wanted to be able to take portraits of people. I appreciate urban landscapes and some good-ole macro-photography, but I mostly care to see images of people. I find the human body absolutely captivating. Come to think of it, all the landscape (for a lack of a better word) photography that I like, seems to capture the absence of people. I love pictures of empty streets or old gas-stations, for example. So, if you look through most of my pictures, the vast majority of them are portraits of my friends who are gracious enough to indulge me. My daytime job, however, often comes at odds with this picture-taking hobby of mine. When/If I do have a little bit of time and/or desire to take pictures...it's usually too late into the night when people are either in bed or wishing they were in bed. Either way, I'm usually short of subjects to photograph. Me, on the other hand, is always around. And usually, ME is pretty happy to avoid doing work.

3. I have thought about this self-portrait business many times. I know that many of you find the habit extremely exhibitionist, disgustingly narcissistic and generally objectionable. I've thought that too. Actually, I think that almost every time I'm taking pictures of myself. But, that same internal conflict, I think, somehow comes through in the photograph and gives it a sense of awkward tension that I like. I think I sense that in most self-portraits that I see, it goes something like this:

This is just me playing, you know. Nothing better to do. I guess I could find something better to do. But this is fun anyway. And my hair looks nice today so why not celebrate it. Gee, you're going to think I'm in love with myself. But I'm not. I'm really not. Actually, I hate myself most of the time. But I would love to be comfortable some day....

Well, anyway, I think that when a person is having such an involved conversation with themselves...it kinda of shows. I find that totally intriguing.

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If I could have it my way, however, I would never take pictures of myself. I would so much rather photograph sparsely clad pretty girls and pretty boys, covered in cigarette smoke.