Anything once

Kyle is officially MOVING to Bulgaria later today. This past weekend he got drunk with his friends, packed two suitcases, mailed out some papers and hopped on a plane to come and be married to me.

I know that he must worry about some of the complexities of moving to a foreign country he's barely visited: this crazy language of ours and our never-ending pessimism. But I admire him so much for being so open-minded about it and being so willing to give anyone and anything a chance. Hell, he keeps giving ME chances when I think to myself OK, that was the peak of stupidity. Please, do all of us a favor and disappear from the face of the earth!

When we talked on the phone yesterday, he told me to make sure I've stocked up on лютеница. He also worries that global warming must have gotten all the storks confused, that they would all fly back to Bulgaria pre-maturely and we would have no time to enjoy our мартеници.

He often says that he would try anything once:



Starting today, we'll try to be, among other things, Bulgarian TOGETHER. We'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Total Altoid Overkill

I think that my effort to get to the bottom of the menthol-durex affair has gone a bit farther than necessary. Here's some evidence as reported by Prof. Grady:

I'm going to Bulgaria tomorrow. Among other things, this means that I'll be carrying a few things in my suitcases that you can't find there to bring to friends and family. Curiously, the usual demand for electronics has been replaced this time around by several requests for Altoids.

Yep. Bulgarians are very inquisitive people. All the things we do in the name of scientific research...

Altoids and Oral sex

My friend Julie posted this as a comment. I am only copying it here because I think it's awesome and don't want people to miss it.

Subject: Altoids in a whole new light

This is an absolutely true story-forward it around to friends who might get a kick out of it.

Had the most interesting conversation with the top sales weasel at our company today. She came into my office and noticed I had a box of Altoids on my desk.

(Have you had them? They are these obnoxiously strong peppermints made in England.) As soon as she saw them, she burst into laughter. Turns out she had recently had an affair with a guy who called her and left her an incredibly steamy voice mail message after an encounter. He went on and on about what a blow job goddess she was, how amazing she was, how he'd never be the same, etc. She was kind of puzzled, thinking: what did I do to this guy that was so different from my regular technique?

She finally figured it out: she's a smoker, and before getting intimate with him, she had gone to the bathroom to "freshen up." Not having a toothbrush, she crunched on about four Altoids and then got busy. Apparently things went amazingly.

So she passed this little tidbit on to another female sales weasel, who immediately tried it out on *her* fiance. Apparently this guy has never, ever been into oral sex, but liked the mint sensation so much that he asked her to stop and chew another Altoid mid-blow job. He is now a fellatio gourmand.

This news has been going around our office. Having a box of Altoids on your desk is now like being part of the Secret Blowjob Goddess Society. It's the equivalent of having the hottest car or coolest computer. News spread like crazy among the females, who all went out at lunch to Walgreens to buy a box of Altoids (about $2 for 100 or so), and their partners across the city tonight are getting one hell of a corporate blow job. As far as company-wide morale boosting events, it doesn't get much better.

Some of the men found out, too -- they went out after work to buy them for their wives. They strategized on how to get their wives to eat them.

And people wonder why I work in technology.

(For what it's worth -- it really does work! It leaves a lasting tingle that is apparently quite exquisite.)

Now, could any one of you give me a reason why we shouldn't all try this at home?!

Why in the world?!

This is going to be one of those entries where the disclaimers could be way longer than the actual entry itself. Yet, I will not apologize for what I write. I will just mention that all this stuff I write here is mostly for fun and in no way reflects the positions of my husband, my company or any individuals who work for it. Also, I would like to point out what I think should be pretty obvious: not all entries here are meant to have a great purpose in life (either mine or somebody else's).

So here's what happened earlier today. All names have been omitted, just to avoid unnecessary complications.

Me and a female co-worker are standing in line at the grocery store during our lunch break. My looking for a вафла Боровец delayed my arrival at the line, so there's a random guy already in line between the two of us. Just as I get there, I notice that the store is selling the new brand of menthol-coated Durex condoms, they're called durex-tingle, that another friend had just told me about.

Me: Oh, look! Here are the new Durex condoms! Take a look!
Female Co-worker: Oh, wow! How does that work exactly?
Me: I don't know, but simply thinking about it reminds me of the super-strong Orbit gum that makes you feel like a dragon every time you open your mouth to breathe.
Female Co-worker: Seriously! Can you image what would be like to experience that during...

At which point we both realize we are not really keeping this conversation only to ourselves and that the middle-aged guy is struggling with three distinct sentiments as he is listening to the whole thing: amusement, panic and embarrassment.

I know that I should probably have already dropped this and I know that I am risking attracting all kinds of perves to the saintly place I call my blog, but dude! can someone please explain to me how exactly can someone think of creating such a thing and what are the scientific reasons for thinking it would actually work?

Pick Me Up

On my office computer, I have a folder named "Pick_me_up". It is subject to continual change and consists of the silliest, happiest, cutest, dumbest songs that I own at any point in time. Every time I am feeling overwhelmed with work, a client, or am simply in need of a little cheering up, I bust out the Pick Me Up mix. Here's what in it today:

1. Hot chip: Over and Over
Because it makes me wiggle in my seat.
2. Ladytron: Destroying Everything You Touch
Because it reminds me of a big loud FUCK YOU. In all honesty, I am not sure why I think that as I've never even tried to listen to the lyrics...but well, that's really not the point, is it.
3. Justin Timberlake: Sexy back
What can I say. I'm sucker for cheese. Justin is my hero!
4. Belle and Sebastien: There's Too Much Love
Because any Belle and Sebastien song reminds me of Prof. Grady and thinking of him, in turn, makes me smile.
5. Drajeto: Jambol
Bacause Drajeto is my favorite underground hiphop artist. Whatcha laughing at?!
6. Teddybears Stockholm: Yours to Keep
If drinking-lemonade-while-riding-your-bike-in-the-middle-of-the-summer, by the beach, could be a song, it would be Teddybear Stockholm's Yours to Keep.

You know the drill, but in case you're new to this place, WHAT'S YOURS? Lalalalala

P.S. For all Netage folk, the folder is shared.

Blah-blah and BBQ sauce

When Prof. Grady and I talk on icq, we say BRB a lot: bathrooms, phones, trips to the kitchen, you name it. A few weeks ago, I told him that every time I write BRB, I think of БъРъБъРъ, which means something like "Blah-Blah" in Bulgarian. Oh, he said, that's weird. Because every time I write BRB, I think "BBQ sauce".

Which, for some reason, I find really interesting because he is vegetarian.

Fuck!

I have a chalga song stuck in my head!

:(

Modern love, modern work

A little while ago, my husband sent me an article about this woman who started using animal training techniques to push her husband a little closer to perfection. I'll explain:

Mrs. Sutherland, a writer, was growing increasingly impatient with her generally lovable husband's little annoying habits. She loved him alright, she simply could not get over things like, for example, his "spousal deafness" yet never failing to hear her when muttering to herself at the other side of the house. It was just her luck, though, to start working on a book-project about the techniques used to train exotic animals. How do you train a dolphin to waltz, or a baboon to skateboard, or hyenas to pirouette on command? Mrs. Sutherland soon realized that perhaps she could make her husband a little easier to love by using some of the animal training techniques she was just learning about:

1. Reward behavior you like: she said thank you or whatever, when he picked up his shit off the floor
2. Ignore behavior you don't like: she left his stuff on the floor without saying a word about it
3. Use "approximations": as you can't expect a baboon/person to completely unlearn a bad behavior and learn a new/good one in just one step, you simply reward the little steps that lead towards the good behavior: one pair of shorts in the laundry basket is closer to perfection than none
4. Create "incompatible tasks": to get him off her back when she needed to be left alone, rather than teach him NOT to do something, she would get him to do other things that would make his undesirable behavior impossible.
5. Adopt the trainer's motto "It's never the animal's fault": whenever her attempts failed, she didn't blame it on her husband but rather re-examined her training techniques

She also shared her success stories with her husband and soon noticed that he was using some of her techniques back on her. Mrs. Sutherland insists that her marriage is "much smoother" and her husband "much easier to love".

Kyle and I laughed about this. See, we like to think of ourselves as representatives of the human kind, the species that uses speech to get by. We also hope that we will never need to revert to such desperate measures and have already promised each other we will always try asking first before creating incompatible tasks. Yet again, being the worse communicator and the less nice person of the two, I have already started to wonder whether using some of these techniques a little bit AT WORK might not be a good idea, after all. Hmmm...

***

Reference: Sutherland, Amy. "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage", The New York Times, June 25, 2006. You need to have a subscription to the NY Times to access the full text of the article. Let me know if you want me to email it to you, I have it.

Yoga is a bitch

I started going to yoga classes. My back hurts and I need exercise badly. Plus, I've always admired those spiritual people who seem poised and content and at peace. Finally, I succeeded to quit smoking (it's more than 5 months, go me!) so I thought it only made sense to push the whole healthy-living thing to its limit.

Yoga, I thought would be great. Until I started taking classes. The exercise is fine, really. It's one of very few things that I've tried, sportwise, that I find doable and unintimidating. I was down with the weird position names, I gave it my all and greeted the sun or whatever those solar movements are supposed to signify, I stood on one foot and held on for dear life when instructed to rock back and forth on my back. However, when my instructor yelled at me SEVERAL times for not keeping my back straight I found it really hard to force my tears back in.



Call me spoiled or overly sensitive, but I think I get to worry enough about performance at work. Hell, my job is all about getting people to do their best every day all day. So when I went to freakin' yoga class, I really did not expect that I would have to worry about meeting people's expectations and having to explain myself when I failed to do so. Prof. Grady tells me that as far as he knows, all good yoga instructors are awful like that. He thinks it's better this way because at least the woman is showing that she cares about me getting the maximum out of my workout. He is probably right.

Like most things, yoga only works when you are doing it all JUST RIGHT. But, yet again, LIKE MOST THINGS that are good for you, yoga is total fuckin bitch. And I've got the back-bruises to prove it.

Huh?!

Еднo наблюдение и един много важен въпрос, който не ми дава мира от няколко дни и не мога да заспя:

Наблюдението: Забелязали ли сте колко често Николай Бареков от БТВ настоява,че Пловдив е културната столица на България?!
Въпроса: Абе...той от Пловдив ли е?!

Я кажете сега!

Happy 5

When I was at my lowliest and loneliest a little while back, I read a piece about Oprah's Happiness Journal. See, most people keep diaries so they can whine. Oprah, being the smart woman that she is, keeps a Happiness Journal in which she writes down five good things that happened to her each day.

Here's how it works: you think of five good things that happened to you that particular day. They don't have to be BIG MAJOR things. Like most Netage employees could testify, for example, a good cup of coffee is not something one should take for granted. A good conversation over lunch is something you should appreciate. Having a good hair day...well, that really IS a miracle. So...yeah. Make a 5-point list. Write it down. Or just think about it before you go to bed. Try and do that every day until it becomes a habbit.

I started my own happiness journal when I was on the verge of a personal breakdown and I am pretty convinced that I am at the happy place I am right now because of it. It's not that my day-to-day doings changed that much! To the contrary. I simply started noticing the people and things that I had somehow managed to overlook. I'm not suggesting that this is a panacea for all your problems. All I'm saying is that we sometimes tend to lose perspective on things and get bogged down with unimportant details which is at best unnecessary.

My Top 5 good things today:
1. Finding an awesome fountain pen that makes me want to write postcards to all my friends.
2. Realizing my washer was leaking just in time to avoid flooding the kitchen (yet again)
3. Having a good meeting with a very important client (hello d.)
4. Making important wedding decisions with Prof. Grady
5. Not freaking out (work stuff, details don't matter).

What were your top 5 good things today?

Will it be fun?

My latest addiction: DailyDose in my mailbox each morning.



My supplier: Jack. Thank you! I want more more more!