What is your job?

Murphy's Law: an application

I eat lunch.
Go into the bathroom.
Fill my hands with liquid soap.
Reach for the tap.
Find out that there's no water coming out of it.
Stand there, hands still full of soap, dumbfounded.

No running water for the rest of the day, seasonal maintenance.

Overwhelmed

Just got back from an emergency run to tha pharmacy and I must say that I was totally overwhelmed by the variety of feminine products (i.e. pads, tampons...special shampoos...?!?!??!!!) available to choose from. They have aromatic maxi-pads with GEL in them?! What the hell?! I so miss the time when you could just go and get the "regular" kind...

Although, I must admit that the invention of wings was, like Martha would say, A VERY GOOD THING!

Never late for work again

This alarm clock is called CLOCKY: it runs and hides so you will never oversleep again.



The company that produces the clock is called Nanda and you can purchase the clock from their website. It costs 50 bucks.

Also, make sure you check out all the fan-art on YouTube!

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Thanks, Vladee!

Ever heard of a "Tornado"?

It's been a while since we've talked about oral sex on this blog. And just when I was thinking of recycling my "Stolen vibrator" story, a diligent reader comes back with the following question:

Has anyone ever heard of a "Tornado"? Something about giving a blow job with the altoids and then taking a hot drink and continuing the blow job. Ever heard of it......can you clarify?

Now let's be good pals and get this question well researched and properly answered. Seriously!!! If you are reading this and know what a "Tornado" is or, even better, have participated in one, PLEASE, do clarify!!!

Have a great day everyone!

Don't try this at work

Daniel Loeb is a prominent (i.e. super-mega-rich) hedge-fund manager known as much for his financial savvy as for his sharp tongue. People refer to him as one of the "Bad Boys" of the hedge-fund industry.

Here's a copy of an email exchange he had with a job recruit:


From: Alan Lewis To: Daniel Loeb March 22 2005
Daniel, thanks for calling earlier today. Enclosed is my CV for your review. I look forward to following up with you when you have more time. Best regards, Alan.

From: Daniel Loeb To: Alan Lewis March 28 2005
What are your three best current European ideas?

From: Alan Lewis To: Daniel Loeb March 28 2005
Daniel, I am sorry but it does not interest me to move forward in this way. If you wish to have a proper discussion about what you are looking to accomplish in Europe, and see how I might fit in, fine. Lesson one of dealing in Europe: business is not conducted in the same informal manner as in the US. Best regards, Alan.

From: Daniel Loeb To: Alan Lewis March 28 2005
One idea would suffice.

We are an aggressive performance-oriented fund looking for blood-thirsty competitive individuals, who show initiative and drive, to make outstanding investments.

This is why I have built Third Point into a $3bn (£1.6bn) fund with average net returns of 30 per cent over 10 years. We find most Brits are a bit set in their ways and prefer to knock back a pint at the pub and go shooting on weekends rather than work hard. Lifestyle choices are important and knowing one's limitations with respect to dealing in a competitive environment is too. That is Lesson one at my shop. It is good that we learnt about this incompatibility early in the process and I wish you all the best in your career in traditional fund management.

From: Alan Lewis To: Daniel Loeb March 28 2005
Daniel, I guess your reputation is proven correct. I have not been in traditional fund management for more than 11 years. I did not achieve the success I have by knocking back a pint, as you say. I am aggressive, and I do love this business.

I am half American and half French, and having spent more than half my life on this side of the pond I think I know a little something about how one conducts business in the UK and Europe.

There are many opportunities in the UK and Europe, shareholder regard is only beginning to be accepted and understood. However, if you come here and handle it in the same brash way you have in the US, I guarantee you will fail. Things are done differently here. Yes, place in society still matters, where one went to school etc. It will take tact and patience (traits you obviously do not have) to succeed in this arena. Good luck! Alan.

From: Daniel Loeb To: Alan Lewis March 28 2005
Well, you will have plenty of time to discuss your "place in society" with the other fellows at the club. I love the idea of a French/English unemployed guy, whose fund just blew up, telling me that I am going to fail.

At Third Point, like the financial markets in general, "one's place in society" does not matter at all. We are a bunch of scrappy guys from diverse backgrounds (Jewish Muslim, Hindu etc) who enjoy outwitting pompous asses, like yourself, in financial markets globally.

Your "inexplicable insouciance" and disrespect is fascinating; It must be a French/English aristocratic thing. I will be following your "career" with great interest.

I have copied Patrick so that he can introduce you to people who might be a better fit. There must be an insurance company or mutual fund out there for you. Dan Loeb.

From: Alan Lewis To: Daniel Loeb March 28 2005
Hubris.

From: Daniel Loeb To: Alan Lewis March 28 2005
Laziness.

Totally fuckin' arrogant! The guy sends out the most hilariously unabashed emails EVER and I love it!!!

via PercyWalker.

Just for laughs

Like I've mentioned before, we are trying to get Kyle to a point where he can reside and work in Bulgaria in a law-abiding manner. As we're going through the motions, we have found ourselves asking the same seemingly simple and straightforward question to several different institutions: Does one need a D-type visa when applying for a long-term Bulgarian residence permit?

Here are the answers we have received:

Bulgarian Consul in New York: If you have your Bulgarian marriage certificate so, please go to the closest to your Bulgarian home Immigration service of the Ministry of interior. You do not need a visa to that end.

Immigration officer at the Bulgarian Ministry of Interior: All foreign nationals absolutely MUST have a D-visa first and then apply for long-term residence permit. You can go to Greece and get the visa there.

Consular officer at US Embassy in Bulgaria: We have discussed this matter with the Immigration office MANY times. You do NOT need a D-visa. If the officer keeps telling you that you need a visa, demand that you speak with their Supervisor, a Mr. X. He will help you

State Department of the United States: American citizens who marry Bulgarian nationals technically have a legal right to switch to long-term status without leaving the country. In practice, however, applicants for residency are asked to leave the country also, present their marriage license at a Bulgarian embassy or consulate in a neighboring country, and apply for a “D” visa. (my emphasis)

Every person or institution we've asked has provided us with a different answer. So, I am thinking, we might as well come up with more answers of our own.

Here's mine: You are only required to have a D-visa if your spouse's last name starts with the same letter as your first name.

Now, just for laughs, how would YOU answer this question.

They don't do the same for us

Earlier today:

Prof. Grady: Have I met your friend Var yet?
Me: Well, yes!!! Var=Zhoro=Joro=Georgi=George
Prof. Grady: 'Kvo?! I guess you NEED a lot of nicknames for Georgi! (pause) There are more nicknames in Bulgarian than names.
Me: We keep things simple for the bureaucrats. (They don't do the same for us, though).

What can I say, that's just a regular day in a multi-national family.

Ае к'во толкова?!

Earlier this evening, at a dinner with Var and Vlado, I was reminded of something that Var told me several months ago, not too long after I had started working for my current employer. It had been a tough day at the office. I was post-conference-call and down and out and teary-eyed and generally disappointed with myself and humanity and doubting that I could ever become good at what I do...like EVER. There I was, sitting in my chair, feeling small and insignificant and totally incompetent, when Var pulled me over and said,

Whatever! Don't worry about this! [In Bulgarian: Ае к'во толкова?! Я не се ядоствай"]

I didn't respond. Just stared and sniffed and tried to clear the runny mascara off my face. It turns out that this one simple exchange has pretty much proven to be the key to my sanity and, dare I say, to my professional happiness.

Now, of course, I'm only speaking for myself here, but I've realized that, especially at work, I seem to inflate the importance of my immediate tasks. Things get bigger and bigger and bigger, at least in my own mind. The more significant my task appears to my own crazy self, the better I feel about being responsible for completing it. Thus plans become STRATEGIES and conversations become MEETINGS and updates become REPORTS...you get the idea. I think this is natural and we all do it to various degrees. We just need to feel good about whatever it is that we do. We like to think that nobody else can do it as well as we do. We want to believe we are indispensable. Being a part of a corporate structure definitely contributes some as well.

That, in itself, is not so bad, I don't think. It makes you work harder and take a more personal interest in whatever it is that you do and that's always good. The reason why I mention it here is because I think this kind of unrealistic valuation of how significant one's work is, can be very harmful as well. The more highly you think of your job, the more disappointed you are when you are not 100% successful in completing your projects. The higher priority you give to your responsibilities, the harder it becomes to value other people's work. The more you see yourself as a key member of a team, the less you are able to appreciate what others contribute to projects.

That's why Var's advice is so right-on. If you don't take your work super seriously, you don't run the risk of setting yourself up for failure. Instead, you focus on getting things done and enjoying the process as you go along. Following Var's advice, I must say I have been less stressed out and significantly happier at work. And, although I realize I am being totally subjective about it, I think I've become more productive. I think I just had this finite amount of energy in myself and by not worrying too much about the significance of all the emailing that I send out each day, I simply started sending better emails.

I am writing about this here because when you think about it, it's just this one little thing that someone told me but still, it has made a huge difference to how I experience my work every day and I feel extremely lucky to have heard that so early on. Also, I was wondering if you guys would be willing to share similarly simple tips you received at work that seem to have helped you de-stress and instead focus on enjoying whatever it is that you do.

Someone call 911

I was just listening to Police's Every Breath You Take:

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
Ill be watching you...

Errr...I know this is supposed to be one of the most romantic songs ever written. But to me it sounds mostly like the guy is a fuckin' stalker!

How to marry a non-Bulgarian

Today I found out that in order for my American husband (the same one I married IN BULGARIA just a little over three months ago) to be allowed to APPLY for a long-term resident visa to Bulgaria, I need to provide him with an official invitation. Silly me, all this time I keep thinking that signing my name under an official marriage certificate is enough of an invitation in itself!...

I swear, when Kyle and I outmaneuver the Bulgarian bureaucracy and convince everyone that it is perfectly ok to let a husband live in the same country as his wife, I will write the most comprehensive guide on how to marry a foreigner in Bulgaria. If today's head-on encounter is any indication, though, it might be a long time before we succeed.

***

If you are a Bulgarian citizen that happens to be married to a non-Bulgarian and are reading this, PLEASE, get in touch with us. I don't think we will be able to do this without you...

10 things I miss about the USA

1. The totally superior television programming: Oprah, Style Network, E!
2. Filter coffee that is full of flavor: I’m afraid I could cut someone for a cup of Ben & Jerry’s Costa Rican
3. Garbage chutes
4. Victoria’s Secret catalogue in my mailbox when I least expect it
5. NYLON (hers and his)
6. Half & half
7. Ross: dress for less
8. Not thinking about what I am wearing as much as I do here
9. Fitted sheets
10. Being able to pay my rent (or any of my bills, for that matter) by signing a check and putting it in the mail

Whoever said that life is all about the little things was so amazingly right.